Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Mothers Day

credit to-

As soon as Valentines day is over on Saturday, the shops will begin to fill with Mothers Day shit. I am going to have to spend the next 4 weeks looking at it in shops everytime I nip in for some milk or whatever. 

These big events are starting to creep up on us now. We've done our first christmas without Mum. Everyone tried their best but with a space missing at the dinner table, it was shit. Now my dad has to deal with Valentines Day. My parents were never massive about it but it will still be hard for him. Then begins the rest of it. Her 50th birthday, mum and dad's 25th wedding anniversary (their 24th was about 4 weeks after she died but obviously this one is significant). Then there's significant birthdays, my brothers 18th, my 21st. There's my sisters prom and GCSE results. Next year I will be graduating and she won't be there. It is never ending. A continuous stream of torture and heartache. 

I'm not sure how we're going to handle Mothers Day, I've read that you just have to do what you can to get by. I don't really know what that is. Maybe just lie in bed and cry all day. I don't fancy leaving the house or going on facebook to see all the soppy facebook status' people have written to their mums. I get jealous of people who still have their mums. Life is just not fair. It's awful.

Monday, 9 February 2015

5 Running tips: From a beginner to a beginner

I know you might think who am I to be giving running tips when I've only just started out myself but trust me, I have already made a lot of mistakes. Here are my list of running tips if you are just getting started like me.

1) Buy the right clothes. Definitely wear a sports bra if you are a lady, like myself. Mine is just a cheap one from M and S and it does the trick just fine. Also, get some good leggings. Mine are only from primark but they are so comfortable. At first I was running in yoga pants but the cotton made me feel uncomfortable and the weird maternity style waistband kept falling down.

2) Buy some decent trainers. This is a must. My nike flyknit free runs are so unbelievably comfortable. They fit like a glove and are bouncy so they make you want to run from the second you put them on. Cheap tennis type trainers are not as good a fit in my opinion. You should really go for a gait test to determine what shoe to buy but I didn't do that.

3) Stretch. I learned this today. When I read Runners World, there seemed to be a debate about this. Some people seemed to not be that bothered about stretching whereas others swore by it. I didn't stretch and as a consequence, I got a spasm in my right thigh not far into my run and both my legs seized up. I think a good stretch beforehand definitely would have prevented these.

4) Don't push yourself too hard. You might be like me and have a race to train for but if you train too hard, you will end up injuring yourself and thus hinder your training schedule. Pace yourself and only do what you can manage and then build it up. Obviously you need to push yourself so that you get better at running just don't do more than you are capable of without hurting yourself. 

5) Don't be worried what other people think. I am still struggling with this. I stop running everytime I pass someone. But seriously, no one is watching you run. No one cares how slow you are or what you look like. But even if they did, so what? At least you ARE running. I just keep reminding myself that I am becoming fitter and have raised about £800 so far for charity so I honestly don't care what people think about my running. As they say, 'you might be slow but you are lapping everybody on the couch'. Cheesy but definitely true. 

Good luck in your running journey. Don't stop just because of other people. The first run I went on, my flat mates laughed at me. Probably because they didn't believe that I would actually go out running. Once they realised I was serious and got used to the idea, they stopped. The hardest thing about running is not caring what other people think. Once you get past that, you're good to go. Forcing yourself out on a run can also be difficult but you feel amazing for it afterwards. Especially when you can feel your muscles burning. 

I hope my tips help you. Obviously I am by no means and expert, these are just things I think are helping me become better at running.

Monday, 2 February 2015

One of those nights

I'm having one of those nights. One of the lonely, sad, grief stricken nights. One where I find it all too hard to believe and come to terms with. 

I just read a blogpost about a woman who lost her babies. It struck a chord with me. Sometimes I find it hard to accept that my mum's death is something I will ever come to terms with. Reading posts like this makes me realise that coming to terms with it is possible. I just need time. Today is 4 months (1st February) since Mum died. I can't believe it. A third of a year. I feel like I should be over that initial grief now. I'm not. 

Mum dying has destroyed my life. Imagine a bomb hitting the town you live in. Destroying your house, killing friends and family members, destroying your place of work etc. Then you have to rebuild your life. That's what it's like. 

People are initially shocked. At first they ask you how you are every day. Then as time passes in becomes more infrequent because they are over the shock and ultimately, it hasn't affected their lives much if at all. Here I am, trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to make everything fit. But my life is like a jigsaw now, with the middle missing. It's hard. Everyday is a struggle. People think that I'm okay and doing fine but they haven't got a clue. I laugh, I go out, I join in, all because I don't want people to know how I really am underneath. Sometimes I let it slip like when i was drunk on Wednesday. I told some of my friends about how hard it is to talk to people about because they get so awkward. But usually, I have my guard up. I don't want people to think I'm pathetic or to feel any sympathy towards me. I know I am the girl who people say 'oh yeah, that's Alice, her mum died bless her'. I don't want sympathy. No matter how well intended it is.

On that blog (, I had a look back at her early posts from when her babies first died. I wanted to know if she felt anything like me now, so I could believe that one day, life won't be as hard for me. I found this poem on it:

'A Pair of Shoes'
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so much that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a daughter who has lost her Mum.

I changed the last line from 'a mother who has lost her child' to what is there now. Because my line is more relevant.

Sometimes I think of all the things I miss about mum. Tiny insignificant things like when we used to go to Sainsbury cafe together and get a belgian bun each. Or when we used to go for meals out. We used to go on road trips to places like York in the car together. I miss these times so much. I don't think anyone understands just how much I would give just to see my mum again one last time. To say goodbye. 

I think of all the times in the future when my mum won't be there and it saddens me so much because what happened should never have happened. And sometimes I am selfish and I say 'why couldn't it have happened to someone else?'  I worry that I will forget my mum. Her laugh, her smile, her little mannerisms that made her the person she was. 

I hope no one reading this, ever goes through this in the circumstances that I have. Because it feels like hell.