One of those shit weeks

It's six months now since mum died. And everytime I think I'm coming to terms with it, another wave of grief washes over me and I'm not anymore. I've felt shit since the beginning of last week. I can't describe what it's like to lose a parent who is also a best friend. And you can't possibly understand what it's like unless you're going through it yourself. Losing other people, although devestating, is different, because that person was not someone who was a part of everything in your life (or maybe they were in which case, yes it's the same). I spent so much of my day worrying about Mum, I told her everything (yes seriously, everything) and because of her health problems, we had a special relationship that I know a lot of my friends don't have with theirs.

I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out. It hurts all the time and some days it is unbearable. I'm still struggling to come to terms with the finality of it. I'm struggling to accept that I will never ever see or talk to my mum again.

One of the hardest things is the sympathy. I know people are just trying to be nice but sometimes it feels like they think of me as a different person now. Someone who is vulnerable and broken. And people are awkward about it. We might me talking about something and I'll say 'oh my mum said that...' and everyone will go silent and ignore me. And everytime I see someone I've not seen in a while I get sympathetic eyes as they touch my arm and say 'how is everything? How's your Dad? How's your brother and sister?' And although they're just being kind, what am I supposed to say to that?

Some days though, everything is okay. That's what makes it all so confusing. That I can go from being happy, talking about the future and being really productive to lying in bed all day everyday wanting to just sleep because it isn't real when I'm asleep.

So anyway that is a collection of my thoughts lately. They're depressing and probably not something anyone wants to read but like I've said before, it helps me to write them down on the blog.